Stories of Overcoming - Steve W

My upbringing was quite typical in many regards. I was the model student, athlete, and had plenty of friends. I loved swimming, excelled at distance events, and took great pride in being able to walk over to the Varsity practices for our school's team when in the Middle School due to my skill level. I was at the top of my class scholastically and loved participating in whatever I could get my hands on.

Then came 9/11/01. To be clear, I was not directly impacted by the events of that day other than having the event rattle me. I recall that day being the first day I had panic attacks, felt anxiety, then drove those feelings into depression. Those feelings persisted until the summer time at which point I was hospitalized due to a suicide attempt. I know that I didn't want to die, it was a cry for help.

These feelings would come and go for years on end and throughout my later teens and into my twenties I was a regular at therapists offices and have been diagnosed with Anxiety disorders, Panic disorders, Major Depressive Disorder, and eventually BiPolar disorder — all what I would refer to as "the dark." Things would be good for a little while then I would slip back into depressive episodes and would self-medicate with drinking.

In my latter half of my twenties my drinking career would take off and eventually lead to problems with the law in the form of a DWI. All this reckless behavior was in an effort to escape the darkness and the general uneasiness I had with just being myself — an inability to cope with life on life's terms.

As time went on I grew sick of this lifestyle and the consequences that came along with it. I'm grateful to say that the day that I had my last drink was 1/31/2020 but I wish I could say that was the end of it. I moved into a sober living home and eventually got off of all my medication for anxiety and depression.

In the beginning of this medication free lifestyle things were great. As summer went along it was easy to see that I was experiencing a full on manic episode. What's that look like? It looks like wanting to visit your family 7.5 hours away one night so you just get in your car and drive through the night, little to no sleep for days. It looks like awful decisions with employment that can take years to recover from.

By the time Winter of that year came along I had moved back home to stabilize but I could not sleep. From Mid-December through April 2nd of that year I did not sleep more than 2-3 hours and the wheels were quickly falling off. I knew that if I did not receive help quickly that something awful was going to happen as the suicidal thoughts were getting harder to let pass.

April 2, 2021 I checked myself into a mental health facility and was ready to surrender. I got back on medication, I committed to feeling better, and I got back into hobbies that I knew I loved. Eventually, I even got the opportunity to move back down to Northern VA which is where I had left when I had my manic episode.

So, where does the running come into play?

Well, running was never something I enjoyed at all. Frankly, I hated it. I could swim 5500yds a day when I was younger and detest running one mile — I just didn't run. I wasn't built for it. Or so that's what I told myself.

I knew when I moved back to Northern VA that I needed to stay active and get out of the home if this thing was going to work so I began hiking. One day, while hiking this roughly 5 mile loop nearby, I asked myself — what if I just run until I'm tired, walk to catch my breath, then repeat?

So that's what I did. That was 7/20/2022. I wound up doing that walk / run around that loop in 1:16:00 so I set a goal of getting around that loop in less than one hour by the end of the summer. Every time I arrived at the loop it was like I was going to have this little battle with myself and it was all mine. I loved it.

I could challenge myself and know that whether I made it or not, it was progress and it was fun — I was hooked. I went down to 1:13:00, then 1:09:00, then 1:02:36 and holy shit it was becoming possible. You mean that I can set a goal, work at it, nurture it with my own sweat equity and achieve this fulfillment all without a drink or a drug??

On August 27, I made it around my loop at 59:30 and achieved a sense of gratification that I hadn't felt in years — it was all mine. Eventually I got to thinking, what else is possible?

I continued on with my other hobbies all while enjoying running. I remember driving back from a hike with a friend of mine and flirting with the idea of running the 10 mile Cherry Blossom Run in Washington, DC. While driving back, I put my name in the lottery and figured if it was meant to be then I would do it.

Sure enough, I was selected and the training began. The sense of fulfillment that I would get from doing a 5 mile run, then a 7 mile run, and so on blew me away. I loved it and it was a badge of honor that I quietly kept to myself knowing that nobody could ever take that from me.

Somewhere during the training, I realized that the race was to happen on April 2nd, 2023 — exactly two years past me checking myself into a mental hospital because I was afraid of the world. The day came for this race and my parents came into town to watch and celebrate with me.

Part way through the training it hit me that this was for me, this was a celebration of how far I've come and how far I can go. I knew that I was going to run 10 miles when a year prior I couldn't run one and a year prior to that I didn't know if I'd even be alive to embrace a challenge like this.

The whole thing was amazing. I had met a wonderful woman that spring and was able to celebrate with her. She is a runner and I joked with her on our first date that she might get sick of the questions I'd be asking but luckily for me she stuck around.

After the Cherry Blossom 10 mile, I signed up for the Marine Corps Marathon set for 10/29/2023. I'm sure this was partly to court her but it was something that I just thought would be amazing after seeing the progress I had made. The real mileage began in August and carried through September before tapering in October.

The running gave me an arena that I could run from or embrace the dark — whatever I needed that day. Whether running from or embracing, I wasn't afraid of it any more. Running gave me an avenue to embrace some of my fears and untangle the thoughts that tend to get knotted up in my mind.

Running the Marine Corps Marathon was an incredible experience. The fellow runners, the crowds, the cheering, the course — all of it was amazing. A big piece of my love for running comes in the form of embracing the doubt.

Of course there were times I thought I couldn't go on — those thoughts were there on my 10 miler and they're there on training runs today, but, this gives me a forum to outrun those thoughts and just take it day by day. It teaches me patience to keep going and helps me understand that "this too shall pass" is actually a true statement — something that I didn't believe in months leading up to my hospitalization.

So much of this sport is analogous with my life and that's what keeps me coming back. Finishing the Marine Corps Marathon was something that I'll carry with me the rest of my life, and I'm grateful to say that it wasn't my last.

I was able to continue with the sport and ran the Buffalo Marathon in Spring of 2024. There was some darkness here to run from too. About 6 weeks prior to the marathon I found a voicemail from my uncle who had died a couple of years ago. We were closer than most knew and we both struggled mightily with alcoholism.

His voicemail that he had left was rooting me on well before I ran a mile and I was grateful to have his backing while I was out there. Around the halfway point I recall pulling out my phone and listening to that voicemail for encouragement. There's other family members that have died from suicide and I know that that could have been my fate too. I know I ran that marathon that day for them.

Today, I try to keep them in mind when I'm out there doing my best to move forward. I'm so grateful for this community of people that I've been blessed to discover. I'm currently preparing for another marathon and writing this has been therapeutic.

It has also resurfaced that meaning to running which is what keeps me going. The message of Outrun the Dark is about bravery and being open about challenges and how we overcome them. I'm grateful for the opportunity to share and look forward to any way I may be able to help.

- Steve W.